When my wife does something nice for me say like help me with admin stuff or rub my shoulders i have a dragon like response that i desperately try to hide. Sometimes i sulk or make an issue out of something else unrelated and i act like a child. When i was young bumbling around making a universe from some dirt and stick something happened to me. Whenever my father a now almost alien god to me would promise me he was coming round for dinner and he had a present or even perhaps say over the phone he was sorry for being distant and was going to make things better the reward for all the hype was an excuse.
So as i got a bit older and things of course were different in my world i carried this weird cycloptic view of others wanting to do things for me. When it’s my birthday i dread being asked what i want for a present. When someone says what do i want to do today? anything that basically says i’m special on that day freaks me out and summons a demon of a hurt child who thinks he can see through all the bull because nice things always end up being hurtful, how dare they pretend to be nice only to break my heart…
But as an adult at least in title i can like you most likely see this is unfortunate. This behaviour has cost me friends and lovers because this whole thing just hijacked my early life. I forgive my father but the damage i hold on to is still there because i forgot to let go.
This art work is about that, a weak and vulnerable creature overwhelmed by hurt. nobody looks good when their at their worst. For now I control my response and I’m building up to letting go.